Featured

I’m Back!!!


Hello, so after a longer than anticipated break, I have decided to finally return to this blog. Long story short, I have been pretty busy over the past few months, and while this has been the case in the past, I found that keeping up with this blog was getting a bit much for me while I was firstly working full time during the summer, and then when I was settling into university. Another problem I faced was lack of motivation, but I do feel a lot more motivated now than I did a few months ago 🙂 

So, the last few months have been, well, interesting but overall, they have been good. Back in September I moved into Swansea University, and so far, I would say that overall, the experience has been a positive one. I am pleased that I have made some good friends, although I would say I have not really established any close friendships yet, but then that is expected after having only been there for a term. I am enjoying the course, although I was disappointed at the fact that there was only three hours of learning a week in person. This was subject to increase come the next semester, although I am not sure what is going to happen now considering the covid situation. Also, there is so much reading, but at the same time the more I do the easier it gets, and the more interesting it becomes. Oh, and I did not particularly enjoy writing the essay about whether if someone takes out half a brain then puts it into some machine then puts it into a different body, if the dude with half a brain will be the same person as the poor guy who was about to have his brain removed. Oh, did I not explain it very well? Goes to show I still find some of this confusing. Being back at home for a bit, while feeling a little strange, does seem nice because I do feel I need a break from it all. 

So why have I not come back sooner? Well, I would say the main reason is because settling into uni has taken a fair bit of energy, as it would for anyone. Because I have been doing (some) uni work, I have had a part time job and then of course there is the social side, which I am pleased to say I think I have made the most of. But now that I have the Christmas holiday ahead of me, where I am not going to be working over, and that I am more settled into university, I should be able to spend more time on this blog once again. 

Also, if I am honest I have not been that motivated in the last few months, generally and concerning this blog. And I was thinking (well subconsciously) “oh, what is there actually to blog about, which I haven’t either repeated, or which I would be pretty shit at writing about). Yet suddenly, I have become pretty motivated, and I have thought of at least 10 different (proper) post ideas. And I want to start exercising again, start making jewellery again, and do loads of reading for uni. Even though that did not really happen much during “uni” itself! Undiagnosed ADHD or what? Finally, I am thinking of getting a TikTok account relating to this blog, because I often feel old school only producing posts combined of writing rather than producing something like a video or a podcast. As I know these are going to overtake articles and the like. For a bit, I did have an Instagram account for this, but I found it did get a little unhealthy and people were far more concerned for pictures of the sunset or pictures of myself which I had posted, compared to threads about these posts. But there you go… Talking of which, I am pretty sad Swansea do not seem to have a student newspaper anymore (is this something I should be sad about? I actually sound so nerdy now haha). But anyway, I might try the radio or something next term, like even if I am shit, there will be some nice people there, hopefully! 

One more thing, in the next week or so I do aim to update a few things on here, starting with the blog cover photo. Because really, what does a blog relating to social commentary I guess, have in common with a tree? It may be a nice tree, but still. Moreover, the profile picture is over a year old now, and one thing that is worse than current pictures of myself, is old pictures of myself! 

Anyways, enough of my rambling, I do not really feel comfortable being too personal on here. Also, sorry if I have not made total sense, I have rushed this post as it is just an update, but you guys hopefully get the gist. So, with that, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas and what have you, mine is going to be amazing (ok, I know I said I was not going to get personal).  

But anyway, I do hope you have a good Christmas! And if it isn’t going to be that great, then just eat extra amounts of junk food, drink loads of alcohol, then you will be ok! 

Bye for now 🙂 

Featured

Why you don’t have to be “That Girl”


Imagine this. You are in your late teens/early twenties, and for the first time in forever, you have a little bit of time for yourself. You may not know it, but you really do value this time. However, you do not have the energy or motivation to go for a walk, pick up a book or paint. Instead, yes you guessed right, the easiest thing to do is to pick up your phone. You are bored of Snapchat, these days Instagram just makes you feel like shit, and you only use Facebook to keep in contact with your grandparents. Instead, you choose to scroll through the glitzy, glamorous, and still new TikTok. Meanwhile, you wish to improve your life, you long to become more productive, and really you feel it is about time to take steps to improve your mental health. Perhaps as well, you have been through quite a bit of crap in the past, giving you a greater desire to reach a happier and healthier mindset. Lucky for you then, there are plenty of these short “self-improvement” videos in TikTok. In fact, these have become so desired that they have come to be known as “that girl.” You understand that there must be a reason for this because you are aware that you and some of your friends do not really have the healthiest lifestyle or have the healthiest of mindsets, yet all of you want to change this. 

What Being “That Girl” Means? 

This was also what I was wondering when I first came across this term. But the term refers to a young woman who at least seems to life a highly desirable and healthy lifestyle. While, as you can guess, “that girl” is used to motivate people to improve their lifestyles. Usually, it involves someone waking up early, sometimes at a ridiculous time, which in my view is any time before 7 (edit, now being before 9, but that is probably because I am now at university)! Following this, she always works out usually sporting some overly fancy (and expensive) gym wear, either in “a complex home step up or at a fancy gym.” Then before making herself breakfast, usually featuring about 5 different fruits and nothing much else she will often pose in front of the mirror showing off her perfected ab line. 

What it is Supposed to Achieve 

Ever heard the expression “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”. Unfortunately, I have, far too many times, as a younger teenager! But we know that for some reason, most would consider it better to wake up early, then go to bed early, rather than the other way round. Is this healthier? How can any of us be sure? However, waking up early is certainly associated with a more productive lifestyle. Because all these videos clearly promote productivity as well as just health, therefore the earlier one can wake up, the more productive they can be right? Consequently, these videos should be able to motivate others to manage to wake up, shower (presumably), work out, eat, and turn on their bloody laptop for work or whatever before 7am. Yet it is true that some people are naturally night owls, meaning they work better later on in the day/night, rather than first thing in the morning.  Nonetheless, these videos or anything relating to productivity culture, fails to acknowledge this, instead implying that the one and only way to live a productive life, is by waking up at these peculiar times, to suggest that people need to get as much shit done as soon as possible. The wider implication of this may be that people ought to rush to get as much done as soon as possible in their lives, rather than allowing themselves some time to take things more easily. Anyway, back to the quote. So why can a woman not be wealthy and wise like their male counterparts? Because the way I see this, “that girl” can be seen to empower females to aspire to the same high end jobs which men dominate, while hopefully become as accomplished. Even if it means having to use about 7 different skin care products each morning and consuming fewer than 1000 calories a day. We just do not have it easy! 

Toxic Productivity 

The number of hours “that girl” works each day remains a mystery, nonetheless the videos heavily stress the importance of productivity. And whilst we usually get to only see their morning routine, the more influenced viewers are likely to assume that she will continue to be productive throughout the day. Be it working long shifts, spending hours studying hard in the library at university, engaging in extra curriculars; or even more likely, all three! Whilst many of us wish that we could be this productive ourselves, this does reflect the extent to which toxic productivity prevails in our society today. 

Unhealthy? 

Despite the health focused stance which most of the videos take, if we dig a bit deeper, we can see how these videos do not necessarily promote the healthiest choices. One way is by which many of the videos tend to promote under eating, whereby one source estimated that the average “that girl” would consume fewer than 1200 calories a day. Being less than what is recommended for a toddler! Meanwhile, can anyone really regard one leading a life that is so busy that there is no time for them to really focus on themselves, or spend time with others, the healthiest of choices? 

Whitewashing 

I could promise you that if you were to head on to TikTok and type in “that girl”, the vast majority of videos would feature thin white girls. This is likely to be because of several factors, including TikTok’s algorithm and that possibly fewer girls of color are joining in on the trend. This suggests that TikTok still sees thin white girls as the ideal, meanwhile girls of colour often do not feel confident enough to join in on the trend. This way, it also sends a specific message to young women, that you can only join in with this trend and lead a successful life if you are white, thin and are from a wealthy family. This is parallel to the “Girlboss” fad, which encouraged young women to work their bums off to be able to accomplish as much work-related success as their male counterparts. Yet delving deeper, we could see how the option that being a “Girl-Boss” promoted, was only really open to women of an extremely specific, privileged background. 

So, I imagine that there are many females who sometimes wish they were “that girl”, whether they had heard about it or whether they have better things to be doing in their free time than aimlessly scrolling through TikTok! However, while on the surface this kind of lifestyle may seem like the ideal, from underneath we can see how this can usually be unrealistic, very exclusive, and even damaging. Therefore, next time you regret not having your life together, remember that health looks different on everyone, and while you may wish to lead a productive lifestyle, it is also essential to be able to take time for yourself. 

Imagine this. You are in your late teens/early twenties, and for the first time in forever, you have a little bit of time for yourself. You may not know it, but you really do value this time. However, you do not have the energy or motivation to go for a walk, pick up a book or paint. Instead, yes you guessed right, the easiest thing to do is to pick up your phone. You are bored of Snapchat, these days Instagram just makes you feel like shit, and you only use Facebook to keep in contact with your grandparents. Instead, you choose to scroll through the glitzy, glamorous, and still new TikTok. Meanwhile, you wish to improve your life, you long to become more productive, and really you feel it is about time to take steps to improve your mental health. Perhaps as well, you have been through quite a bit of crap in the past, giving you a greater desire to reach a happier and healthier mindset. Lucky for you then, there are plenty of these short “self-improvement” videos in TikTok. In fact, these have become so desired that they have come to be known as “that girl.” You understand that there must be a reason for this because you are aware that you and some of your friends do not really have the healthiest lifestyle or have the healthiest of mindsets, yet all of you want to change this. 

What Being “That Girl” Means? 

This was also what I was wondering when I first came across this term. But the term refers to a young woman who at least seems to life a highly desirable and healthy lifestyle. While, as you can guess, “that girl” is used to motivate people to improve their lifestyles. Usually, it involves someone waking up early, sometimes at a ridiculous time, which in my view is any time before 7 (edit, now being before 9, but that is probably because I am now at university)! Following this, she always works out usually sporting some overly fancy (and expensive) gym wear, either in “a complex home step up or at a fancy gym.” Then before making herself breakfast, usually featuring about 5 different fruits and nothing much else she will often pose in front of the mirror showing off her perfected ab line. 

What it is Supposed to Achieve 

Ever heard the expression “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”. Unfortunately, I have, far too many times, as a younger teenager! But we know that for some reason, most would consider it better to wake up early, then go to bed early, rather than the other way round. Is this healthier? How can any of us be sure? However, waking up early is certainly associated with a more productive lifestyle. Because all these videos clearly promote productivity as well as just health, therefore the earlier one can wake up, the more productive they can be right? Consequently, these videos should be able to motivate others to manage to wake up, shower (presumably), work out, eat, and turn on their bloody laptop for work or whatever before 7am. Yet it is true that some people are naturally night owls, meaning they work better later on in the day/night, rather than first thing in the morning.  Nonetheless, these videos or anything relating to productivity culture, fails to acknowledge this, instead implying that the one and only way to live a productive life, is by waking up at these peculiar times, to suggest that people need to get as much shit done as soon as possible. The wider implication of this may be that people ought to rush to get as much done as soon as possible in their lives, rather than allowing themselves some time to take things more easily. Anyway, back to the quote. So why can a woman not be wealthy and wise like their male counterparts? Because the way I see this, “that girl” can be seen to empower females to aspire to the same high end jobs which men dominate, while hopefully become as accomplished. Even if it means having to use about 7 different skin care products each morning and consuming fewer than 1000 calories a day. We just do not have it easy! 

Toxic Productivity 

The number of hours “that girl” works each day remains a mystery, nonetheless the videos heavily stress the importance of productivity. And whilst we usually get to only see their morning routine, the more influenced viewers are likely to assume that she will continue to be productive throughout the day. Be it working long shifts, spending hours studying hard in the library at university, engaging in extra curriculars; or even more likely, all three! Whilst many of us wish that we could be this productive ourselves, this does reflect the extent to which toxic productivity prevails in our society today. 

Unhealthy? 

Despite the health focused stance which most of the videos take, if we dig a bit deeper, we can see how these videos do not necessarily promote the healthiest choices. One way is by which many of the videos tend to promote under eating, whereby one source estimated that the average “that girl” would consume fewer than 1200 calories a day. Being less than what is recommended for a toddler! Meanwhile, can anyone really regard one leading a life that is so busy that there is no time for them to really focus on themselves, or spend time with others, the healthiest of choices? 

Whitewashing 

I could promise you that if you were to head on to TikTok and type in “that girl”, the vast majority of videos would feature thin white girls. This is likely to be because of several factors, including TikTok’s algorithm and that possibly fewer girls of color are joining in on the trend. This suggests that TikTok still sees thin white girls as the ideal, meanwhile girls of colour often do not feel confident enough to join in on the trend. This way, it also sends a specific message to young women, that you can only join in with this trend and lead a successful life if you are white, thin and are from a wealthy family. This is parallel to the “Girlboss” fad, which encouraged young women to work their bums off to be able to accomplish as much work-related success as their male counterparts. Yet delving deeper, we could see how the option that being a “Girl-Boss” promoted, was only really open to women of an extremely specific, privileged background. 

So, I imagine that there are many females who sometimes wish they were “that girl”, whether they had heard about it or whether they have better things to be doing in their free time than aimlessly scrolling through TikTok! However, while on the surface this kind of lifestyle may seem like the ideal, from underneath we can see how this can usually be unrealistic, very exclusive, and even damaging. Therefore, next time you regret not having your life together, remember that health looks different on everyone, and while you may wish to lead a productive lifestyle, it is also essential to be able to take time for yourself. 

80% of users between the ages of 16-34

Why the ‘That Girl’ TikTok trend is more sinister than it seems  – Fashion Journal

Who Is “That Girl” on TikTok? – Popdust

Who Is ‘That Girl’ And Why Is TikTok Obsessed With Her? (refinery29.com)

let’s chat: Becoming “that girl” TikTok Trend (imerikamarie.com)

Featured

Internet Escapism


2020 was one hell of a year. And all of us have been pushed to our limits. Some have lost jobs, some have had to study at home and most missed out on the things we usually look forward to. In retrospective I would say in particular this has affected the young, and those who were already going through difficult times. Therefore it is only natural that many have sought to find more ways of coping, and considering the circumstances, the internet has been rather appropriate. Of course it is a perfect way to distract ourselves, but is it really healthy, or would it be ignorant to claim that it is “better than nothing”?

What Is Escapism

According to Wikipedia, escapism refers to “mental diversion from unpleasant or boring aspects of daily life, typically through activities involving imagination or entertainment.” This has probably been apparent for hundreds of years, although recently I would imagine it has been on the rise. This can also happen in numerous forms, including gambling, heavy drug use or even persistently reading or watching TV to the point that it strongly gets in the way of what people are going through in other aspects of their life. Often this is related to mental illness, or addiction.

However in recent years there has been a new form of escapism, being on the internet. This is known to be a “very powerful variable that links all psychological problems to addiction induced by internet use.”

How this is a Problem?

I hope you’re all aware of how much of a issue heavy drug or alcohol use is, or substantial gambling. Basically because often it’s extremely addictive, and can ruin people physically and mentally. However other behaviors can manifest into escapism, such as excessive reading or film watching. Obviously only when this interferes with day to day errands. Usually this stems from the person facing severe hardship in their lives as it stands, however escaping to the point that you cannot bear to return is never going to help resolve the problem!

So how does internet escapism come into all of this? Well everywhere. For a start people can use many gambling sites on the internet, which could potentially exasperate the problem. As unlike before where shops would close and people would have no choice but to take a break, now the day doesn’t end. Making it that bit more addictive. However there are other ways people can engross in the online world, in order to get away from real life. Which include in virtual worlds where people can pretend to be someone who they aren’t.

Is This on the Rise?

The lonely and difficult world which many face has probably only been strongly exaggerated by the effects of the pandemic. Therefore many people are likely to have resorted to the internet in a way to get away from it all. This has included spending more time on social media, or within virtual worlds. So you may contest that we have all done so, therefore how is it a problem. Which is certainly true, but it becomes a problem when it gets to the point where it stops one from facing the realities of their lives.

Can This Ever be Good?

Everyone deserves to get help with what they are going through, but come on! This is the real world and nobody is going to get the help which they deserve overnight, or sadly at all… Meanwhile I’m sure most will agree that a distraction can be very helpful at the best of times. Yet I’m sorry, but you cannot “distract yourself” constantly forever, without confronting what you are going through and hopefully getting help. While escapist behaviors can exasperate problems already occurring on one’s life.

Of course escapism is something that has been around, probably forever, and escapism online is just it’s newest form, which is likely to become increasingly apparent. On a small scale, I would say that escapism can be a positive, but not when it gets to the point when someone cannot face their “real” life. It is important to be wary of escapism relating to the internet, because it can look different and the effects of it can potentially be stronger.

How to Deal With Rejection


It was only yesterday when I walked into the room. The person I liked and the the person who I knew had told him (this was mutual so I’m glad) were both sat next to each other. The guy who I liked looked a little awkward especially when I walked in as you can imagine, then the other guy asked if I wanted to go down to the university cost cutter. Of course I said yes, but it was not good news. He was not looking for a relationship, and he probably appreciated me more as a friend. The news was a little confusing, and there were a lot of lines to read in-between. But at least he was mature about it, therefore the last thing that I wanted to do was be the baby. But, undoubtedly I was pretty upset. I chatted and joked about a bit, but I was a little more quiet than usual, and if anything so was he but he picked up. He certainly seemed a little awks too. I eat quite a bit more chocolate than usual, rather than deciding to make myself a proper meal when I got home. I also overheard him stating that he was not looking for a relationship, and complaining about another girl who was “pestering” him. But at least there was time for me to listen to some sad music when I got home. But I couldn’t cry. So instead I watched this Gilmore girls fan video of Lorelai and Max, with Max giving her all the love in the world, and Lorelai kind of rejecting it. It always makes me jealous as I desire that kind of love, so I eventually managed to get to bed and mope a little.

The following morning I woke up in a rather groggy mood. I was considering whether I should message this guy, but it is probably better not to unless he wants to say something first. I still do keep checking to see if he is active, but I think he is rather busy. This morning, instead of doing uni work, I decided to dedicate some time to this blog, whilst faffing around a bit because I have, and will be, rather busy. So I thought what’s better than venting about something I am feeling upset about. And from writing the personal update this morning, I am feeling quite a bit better. Therefore, here are some tips for dealing with a rejection.

  1. Allow yourself time to be upset

This is probably the most important of all. Because being rejected is pretty upsetting, especially if the person had been living rent free inside your head for a good few weeks. Therefore, the worst thing you can do is surprise these rather nasty emotions, because then they never really leave. They will just stay there and linger for a considerable period of time, meaning that the situation will sit with you for a much longer period time than what you had hoped.

2. Open Up!

Even after letting yourself feel your feelings, this is likely to still be lingering in your mind. Therefore it is important to really allow yourself to open up! The only thing that I would however say, is that it is best to be careful who you tell and what advice that you take. Because hopefully most people are going to be supportive of you and listen, then tell you that there are other people and that you are amazing anyhow. Nonetheless, there may be some who may unintentionally make you feel a little bad, by changing the conversation around to their rather fluffier love life. Worse still, there may be some who try to convince you that this person may still have feelings. Also, when talking to them, try to avoid seeking reassurance about whether they may have had any feelings or not, because at the end of the day, regardless of whether they did or didn’t, the situation is that they were clearly not looking for the same thing as you were. This way, it was not meant to work out.

Another good way to let your feelings out, is by journalling or blogging. This way, you are writing stuff down, and sorting out the sad tangled mess in your head, to let it detangle and remove itself, enabling you to be happy again. Now if you already have a blog, especially one where you talk about personal issues, then by using it to write about your experience, you are not only helping yourself quite a lot, but you are also being rather productive.

  1. Have empathy for the person who rejected you

Please don’t be silly. They are not being mean, and I am sure that they don’t hate you or see you as silly for rejecting you, but perhaps they just did not feel the same way, or they just are not looking for the same thing as you are. Because, providing that you are fairly mature, then if you found out that someone liked you, you would not think ill of them. Just prevent yourself from pestering them. Leading on from this, they may feel a tad of guilt for rejecting you, this way the last thing you want to do for them or yourself is make it worse by trying to hold onto them, when you know for certain that it is not going to go anywhere.

3. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself

If the person responds particularly negatively and starts to make fun or you or starts criticising you, then honestly it is not on you but it is on them. Because their ego is so inflated to the point where they will beat others down only to make themselves feel better and in their minds, look better. Moreover, as someone who sometimes struggles with a lot of negative thoughts about myself, it is important to remember that there could be many reasons for the rejection. They may well have found you attractive, but they did not feel ready to commit, which is very common, especially among young men. Moreover, even if there were no feelings there, there are other people who will find you attractive.

4. Don’t block them out

Inevitably after the first few days, you might want a bit of space. But if you guys see each other on a regular basis, or if you guys are friends, then you shouldn’t stop yourself from chatting to them. After all, friendships are really important, and would you really want to lose this person as a friend, when you could move on and find someone else? Knowing that both of you enjoyed the conversations that you had.

5. Don’t neglect yourself

The worst thing you want to do when something has let you down is begin to let yourself down. This means not turning toward the person who you were talking to in the past who really wasn’t good for you, avoid being embarrassingly impulsive (alcohol will not cure anything in the long run), and try and live a generally healthy lifestyle.

6. Spend time with people who mean something to you

This can basically mean friends, family or yourself. This is important so that you can focus instead on those you care about, and so that you can be reminded of how important you are to so many people. Plus it means that in your free time, you will be actively doing something, rather than being bored in your home. Consistently switching between snapchat, Facebook and instagram. Honestly, it is not worth it! Meanwhile, as mentioned this can mean just doing something on your own, which can work well if you are more introverted or if all of your friends are busy. Just think of the new book that you have been intending to read for a while, yet you haven’t quite gotten round to it, that new place that you wanted to walk to or a recipe that you wanted to try.

7. Focus on yourself and your life- especially for the near future!

Finally, as clique as this sounds, the most important relationship you will have is one with yourself. Therefore, it is important to look to the future for your own sake. Just think about what could be around the corner for you, providing that you go put yourself out there and go for it. This way, perhaps start working on that project you wanted to work on, find time to do more things for yourself and work on becoming a better person all round.

Monthly Update


Hello, well March has been a kind of interesting month. Well, and these last few days have, well, probably been especially interesting. And just as a word of warning, it is likely that this post is going to be a little bit of a jumble, just because there is quite a bit going on at the moment, and I am a little sad but I am going to try and approach this in the right way.

I mean, for a start, at least I am actually choosing to write about this and think about this in a mature manner, rather than leaning into thinking really negatively about myself, or using unhealthy coping mechanisms. And on this occasion, I am pretty sure that I am going to be fine.

So, I got rejected. Which although this happens to all of us, but in all fairness, it is quite a big deal. Especially from my perspective, where I have only recently allowed myself to not just acknowledge but also embrace my emotions. So basically there was this guy from uni, who I did have quite a big crush on. And it is strange, because there have been people who I have liked before, there have been people who have liked me before, and many people who just want to fuck around and mess with my head. But this one did feel different. Because it was like I was not just attracted to him because of how he looked, it was not just a rather immature, overly hopeful emotional connection, but it also felt like we did have a lot in common. Making matters either better or worse, a friend of ours did heavily imply to my face that this guy was really into me, and that he would tell him how I felt. However, the following day he just told me that he was not looking for a relationship. I suppose that implies that he preferred me more as a friend, and perhaps there would have been feelings but he wasn’t in the place to go for something.

But there we are, it is done and I probably will not see him for around 6 months which sounds mad, but there we go. In a way, this only makes me want to focus more on improving myself, and focus on friends who I have now and hopefully making more. I mean that matters more than relationships in many ways, and it would be pretty sad for two people to be in some close, cuddly relationship if neither of them had much going for themselves, and they did not really have many friends. Plus there will be more people, and as I have already mentioned, we probably will not see each other in 6 months anyhow. The reason for this is because it is at some society at university, but then I do want to join another one which he actually runs. Initially I was thinking that it was because of him, then I thought ew no way do I want to join considering he runs it and he will think ill of me, but I actually do want join because I did before I even began uni yet I had not really plucked up the courage (oh, and it’s the labour society in case any of you are interested). But if it is something I really want to join, and because one of my friends goes there anyway. Plus, he is someone who I would want to be good friends with, other things aside. There are other things as well which I want to do second term, which I had not plucked up the courage to do first term. Which is completely ok, we all grow at different stages and I feel that I have definitely grown and will continue to grow this year. But this will be something for my September or October update, and you never know, there may be some nice guys (or girls) there. But that is not the point, my friend was right. Think of them as side characters who come and go and if they are good and right then they will be really good for you. But that is rare. So in the time being, think of yourself as the main character, and think of friends as part of you and your life. More important than side characters! I do want to stay friends with him though, and it does make me a little sad to think that I am not going to see not just him but some of the others in such a long time. Obviously I hope to meet up with some over the summer term, but then I have opportunities to make new friends and spend more time with ones at home over the summer and the summer holiday. Ok, most of that I made up. She just mentioned them as side characters. Ha, this is probably the reason why I read too deeply into situations, because I am so good with inventing shit in my head for no reason.

Speaking of which, I have finally finished the four horrific essays. Goodness knows how well I have done in them, because I was meant to get a grant because of my A levels, but considering that I fucked up not with writing but submitting the previous exams, it does make this a little harder. But then at the same time, I do only need 64% with these assignments and exams to be accepted. So, maybe it is not as hard after all. Only time will tell.

I am going to have quite a bit more time on my hands as well during the summer term, because I will only have to do two exams, while most people will have to do more than two, because of the fact that I had four assignments to do. That’s as I took four modules because of my course, therefore for two of them it was the ten credit version or something. Never mind. Famous last words, but all will be ok. I might end up choosing to work more hours in that time, because I do need the money. Also I hope to go out a bit more and meet more of my friends. Oh shit, that reminds me that I still need to rebook my driving test, but my other licence STILL hasn’t arrived. I feel that I really ought to chase them up about it, because it really is getting silly. But then, I assume that if you replace your provisional, you still have the same licence number?

So changing the subject (yet again), it is only five days before I go to Portugal. Which, if I am honest, I cannot quite believe. Which also reminds me to try and print off the plane tickets as I am not sure if they accept digital. Don’t look at me, I haven’t been abroad since I was 13 which was a school French trip, and the only time I have been abroad on a plane was when I was 4. Can you really imagine year old me understanding the logistics of getting a plane? Ok, to be fair I went to Belfast at 15, and I am sure the fact that it was not abroad did not mean that we were exempt for presenting plane tickets. But still!

Ok, one last thing I am going to say is that I really need to sort out what I want to do with my life over the summer. Which is going to be a little bit difficult because I don’t have much money, but I am thinking perhaps working abroad. Definitely something that I am going to look into over easter, and update you on next month. I am actually pretty emotional that the first year seems to be coming towards an end, because I have literally just managed to feel a lot more confident and happy within myself, and really beginning to feel settled. But hey, that’s life and I have had some good experiences and I am sure they won’t end here. And believe it or not, when I first began to write this post I was feeling a little sad, but now having written about it (I do also have friends to tell, and I have told a few), I actually feel pretty happy deep down. So I am glad that this happened to me during a time where I am doing pretty well.

So I am now going to leave, and I have decided to write a post about how to deal with rejection, just so that I really am able to deal with this situation in the most positive way, and to help others do the same if they happen to stumble along this post. Then it will be time to do my laundry, then some uni work, then work- with all of the slightly odd men who are probably all in their mid twenties, who seem to desire a shag. Well, it reminds me that I’m hot. Just kidding, but we have to have a laugh don’t we! Which reminds me, this blog really has not been getting much attention recently, and I only really have myself to blame. But like I already said, I am going to have more time on my hands very soon (after Portugal), therefore I really do want to post more. Maybe on TikTok, maybe on instagram. But then TikTok is exciting, and it attracts 14 olds. And I suppose that this blog probably appeals to that kind of literacy level. But best case scenario against best case scenario (ie if this blog picks up again because I actually get off my as, well not literally as I am writing, and the tiktok gets attention), then I think overall I would make a DECENT role model. I mean, like all people I am far from perfect, and I know that there is so much more I could have done this term at uni, during sixth form, and I know that I have a few slightly annoying habits. But don’t we all, and I am working on it, and I think that overall things are sound 🙂

March Update


Hello, so sorry this post is a few days late, it is just that I have been (kind of) busy, and I would reckon that as it stands, my motivation matches that of a dead goldfish! Oh, and I also somewhat forgot… Maybe I just need to take a break, which is kind of hard considering that I have four assignments to complete this month, which require reading something like 10 long atricles/books each. So, I did decide in the end to take a break this afternoon and evening, then I will come to do more uni work tomorrow morning. May even drag myself to the library as I tend to focus so much better there haha. Also I am going home next week, only for that week, and I tend to focus better there for some reason, probably because I had so much time to adapt during lockdown, but who knows?

Anyway, let’s get back on track…

So, again in the past month nothing really big has happened, not going to lie. Although I did manage to quit a minimum wage job (I’m 19 so it’s literally 6.56, so basically nothing), to a job where I get 8 an hour, plus tips, so it’s more like 9. Also the place is nicer, the people are a little less bitchy and the manager (so far), is not a pig. Well, you can never be sure about this but at least he will talk to me rather than avoid eye contact at all costs, although maybe it doesn’t help that he overheard me implying that the staff meeting was a waste of time. All of us can be idiots I guess. Furthermore, as already mentioned, university work has been piling up a little, but it does not exactly help that there have been strikes recently. Because again, it is not exactly easy for me to focus at home, but it is the same for everyone, at least on my course, I suppose.

I definitely feel like I am more settled into university now than I was last term, and even a couple of months ago, and I have made quite a few more friends this term which I am glad about. I also (finally) decided to join debating society, and I thought I’d mention, that there is this guy there who I, well, have a bit of a crush on. Don’t worry, he has no idea of this blog! But I won’t rant on here like I would to a friend, but there will definitely be an update next month. Hopefully something positive, or if not then I can more on, however I would not be surprised if mixed signals will follow into the next few weeks. Although, in all fairness, I am pretty guilty of that myself. It is like I feel so uncomfortable flirting with people, I think it is a thing related to self esteem. But I am getting better with it, and at the end of the day I think he has figured what I think now which is good, so now it is kind of up to him to initiate. Which brings us on to another point, why is it still the social norm for the guy to initiate rather than the girl? I mean, I am aware that it is becoming a lot more common for girls to initiate, but it is still not what is expected. A bit sad really. But I will probably update you next month on this.

Finally, in myself I am feeling quite a bit better compared to last month haha, possibly slowly getting toward the stage where I am almost happy to be myself without craving all of that which I mentioned in the previous paragraph. Well, they do say to put forward the best version of yourself when you like someone, and to be like that, rather than just craving someone else. Anyhow, I am definitely so glad we are going into spring finally, and I am also looking forward to going home and seeing friends, then for the university lectures to be back to normal when I get back. Oh, and also I may be going to Portugal for a few days at the start of the Easter holiday.

So, I hope that all of you are good.

Bye for now!

Let’s Talk Rory Gilmore- Gilmore Girls


To many quiet, introverted, bookish teenage girls, Rory Gilmore was their idol. Sweet, smart, and extremely attractive. Whilst capable of being loved by everybody whom she encountered, without needing to attend any of the hot high school parties or be the loudmouth of the class. No, instead she would spend her lunches sitting alone, reading, while at weekends she would hang out with her Mum. And it was all ok, because, unlike her “frienamy” Paris, she would never say anything that would provoke any conflict between her and her more outgoing peers. Yet there is another side to her, which made fans of the later seasons and the revival, absolutely despise her. As they watched her character develop from a young, innocent, overachieving teenage girl to an entitled, callous, failing young woman, many may have realised that the innocent little princess was not so wonderful. But did none of us stop to ask ourselves, what on earth went wrong? 

The “Perfect Little Angel” 

One of the things which provoked a little jealousy was that everybody really did adore her. Living in a small town, the community was more like family to her, rather than fellow neighbors. Nothing that she did could have been wrong, because of course she was the successful little girl who managed to get into a prestigious private school, Chilton. It was without question that afterwards she was going to attend one of the absolute best universities in the USA, then afterwards it was expected that she would go on to do wonderful things career wise. Furthermore, she would very frequently attract male attention, once again partly thanks to her easy-going nature but more importantly thanks to her good looks. 

The Family’s Favorite 

Rory’s Grandparents, who she had not really seen before the age of 16, immediately bonded with her, and to them, she was the model of a granddaughter. Subsequently, she would receive endless compliments from them at Friday night dinners, often in contrast to the endless criticism that her own mother would get. Which leads on to the most important person in Rory’s young life, her mother. Like best friends, with only a 16-year gap between them, they would spend the weekend evenings cooped up on the sofa, binge watching movies, eating food that had been ordered from about 4 different takeout’s, where miraculously neither of them ever seemed to gain as much as a pound. There were also the cute moments, where Rory would confront Loralai about what is going on in her love life, and whether Loralai approved, she would always stand by Rory. Yet, in her Mum’s and everyone else’s eyes, Rory really could not do anything wrong. 

Where Things Began to go Wrong 

As Rory transformed from a cute high school girl to fourth year college student (then a 32-year-old jobless journalist), we can see where things began to go wrong for Rory. For a start, her love life was not much less than a disaster, and we cannot really think of who else to blame, but Rory (and her upbringing). I would say that the worst two incidence were when she referred to her ex as Her’s, practically encouraging him to cheat on her while he was married, and when she was aged 32 yet she kept on forgetting about the boyfriend she was supposed to have. She was never there for her close friends, yet they always had her back whenever she needed something. But what really demonstrated her weakness, was that when she was told by her boyfriend’s Dad that she did not have what it takes to be a journalist when on an internship, instead of dismissing the comment as being made by one of the biggest cunts in the country, or reconsidering whether Journalism would be the best career for her to go down, she instead decides to steal a Yacht and drop out of university. Before taking the mature approach, it would have been more than understandable if she had decided to get extremely drunk, binge on all the junk food that could fit in her stomach, or rant endlessly about what happened to anyone who would do as much as reluctantly listen (I certainly would think of all three as being reasonable coping mechanisms). Yet while this reaction demonstrates her lack of maturity, and the way that she was practically setting herself up for failure, it also reflects the impact that her upbringing was now having on her. Because being told that she could do anything when she was younger practically led to her believing it in the end. 

So, why was she like this? 

One of the main subjects which made many fans of Gilmore Girls despise Rory, was her treatment of men. Now I do not want to dive too deep into this, but she would cheat yet feel incredibly entitled, despite her actions which she often seemed rather oblivious to. Nevertheless, one of the issues which was not addressed enough was the absence of her father, who enjoyed popping into and out of her life at his convenience, often showing up and then disappearing on a motorcycle. This correlates with her strong fear of abandonment. And this, mixed with the unconditional love which she received from everyone else, could help explain why she thought that she could grab who she wanted at her disposal. Again though, if anything, younger Rory was more aware of her wrongdoings than older Rory ever was. Yet, when she confronted her Mum about this, it was never Rory’s fault. But despite the way one’s parents behave, I am sorry but as an adult it is your job to make yourself as aware of this as possible, and work on yourself as much as you can accordingly. Yet, she most certainly had not made any progress at the age of 32! 

The 30 Something Gang 

Something which appeared funny to me, yet as a bit of a brutal warning in the revival, was the appearance of a new group in Star’s Hollow, known as the “30 something Gang.” These were a group of millennials, around the same age as Rory at the time, who had been to university, got jobs, then ended up returning to their childhood bedrooms in the town that they were born in. Jobless, they would instead occupy themselves with bowling and drinking milkshakes. Or as the town phased it, they had been “spat out” by the real world. Apart from anything else, this, as anyone now between the ages of 16 and 40 would know, provides a joke yet a stark truth about the reality that many young people of working age face. Yet, let us now put Rory into the equation. Instead of her admitting her fate, she shares no humor at all with the “30 something gang”, even refusing to acknowledge them. To me, this indicates that Rory believed she was above them, yet there Rory was, back in her hometown; jobless, homeless, and apparently without underwear! This again, shows how Rory was unable to confront some of her failures, even though being part of the group could have made her feel less alone, and make her realise that she too had made mistakes career wise, and considering different economic circumstances, this may not have even been at a fault of Rory’s capabilities. Yet, the message of the show could have been that Rory could and should have been better than them, not having to return town to join a gang of people who had established similar things to her career wise, yet thankyou to her attitude, she was unable to do so, instead being far worse than them, reflected by her rudeness in not even responding when they waved at her (in the friendliest of ways). Because while Rory’s career or lack of stunk, if her attitude had stunk even more, and if it had not been for the latter, then her career would have looked prosperous.  

What Should We Think Overall About Her? 

What a lot of fans of the show commonly perceive is a prefect teenage girl transitioning into an unbearable young adult. Yet, there were some earlier signs which were easy to spot. For a start, when she was younger, she was still entitled, however not necessarily realising how similar she and the other girls from Chilton really were. Which resulted in her sometimes holding an unpleasant attitude. It could also be seen how she was not a good friend toward Lane or toward some of her other peers. It is true, however, that her negative traits certainly did become more prominent as she grew older. For example, she became more possessive concerning relationships, more self-centered, and full of herself. However, even as a 32-year-old in the revival, we did have some reasons to symphysis with her. For a start, she had never really addressed her problems, which resulted in her becoming more entitled to mask her low self-esteem. She had never really confronted her Mum about the way in which their “perfect” relationship was not perfect, and she did not realise the impact that her childhood may have had on her, leading her to put extra pressure upon herself (as well as the pressure which she was already under). Considering that we saw her lost in life, she had reached a turning point, realising that she was destined to become an author, while she should soon find out who the father was to her upcoming baby. Therefore, maybe there was still some hope. Alternatively, her desire to write a book was more of a projection of the extent of her selfishness considering that her Mum was strongly against this idea. While at 32, she was not going to choose to reform her character, and instead, having an extremely selfish character as a biological father, we can point the finger at her for the way her life had turned out, and more importantly, for the way in which she treated other people. 

https://screenrant.com/gilmore-girls-rory-biggest-problems-fans-ignore/

https://thetab.com/uk/2020/10/07/every-single-reason-rory-is-legitimately-the-worst-character-on-gilmore-girls-177700

https://www.cbr.com/gilmore-girls-rory-became-most-hated-character/

Growing up With a Hoarder


Hello, so this is a bit of a personal introduction as a ground for what I am going to write today. This post is going to be based off fact from other articles, however I am also going to incorporate some of my own personal experiences from this. Before we get on to that, what has brought me to decide to write this post, is basically that I was meant to be “going out” tonight, however one of my friends who I was sat next to yesterday tested positive for covid, and while I have tested negative today, I thought that it is best not to take any chances (which is sad as I really wanted to go out, but on the outside chance that I do have covid, nightclubs are literally the breeding grounds for it). But basically, I was sitting here trying my best to focus on uni work, and I just couldn’t focus very well, but never mind I have all night now! But I somehow began googling stuff to do with growing up with a hoarder and was rather interested in some of their articles. 

Now this is something that I have experienced myself, however it is very rare that I talk about this, because it is not something which any of my friends have experienced while topics concerning childhood is something that I try to avoid generally with people because I don’t want to feel like I am burdening anyone with my problems, while I don’t really have anyone in my family who I can really talk to about this experiences. So having kept pretty much silent for a long period of time, here I am instead writing this post where the world can see it! 

For a start, it is important to recognise that hoarding is a mental disorder, and it can be related to other mental health problems. Often, hoarding stems from trauma, which often would occur during childhood, but could occur at any time throughout a hoarder’s life. This way, it is important not to shift the blame onto hoarders, especially considering that it is a condition that people who suffer from it tend not to recognise, therefore accepting help and taking action is extremely difficult. Nonetheless, it can have a heavy impact on the people who are close to the hoarder, and I would say especially those who have grown up with someone who is one. Furthermore, I feel that it is an aspect of childhood trauma which is not really spoken about very much, therefore I do want to write this post to raise more awareness of what it is like to grow up with a parent, in this case, who suffers from HD. 

So firstly, I would say that generally when someone is growing up in a house which would be considered being in possession of a hoarder, they are often unaware of the severity of this, seeing this as “normal” because this is what they have grown up in. This is certainly the case with me, thinking that my home was just “messy”, even though there were substantial amounts of junk, which whenever myself or the parent who did not have HD attempted to throw away, it caused significant amounts of tension within the household, and there were even themes when items which had been placed in the bin were taken out again. This was as well as the dinner table, which was basically filled with stuff (honestly, I cannot remember what exactly), then even if I attempted to tidy it as a child, there would still be crumbs etc stuck between the table cover, while the table mats were quite literally decades old.  

It was not until I was around 13 or 14 when I realised that there was some genuine problem, however I know that many, if not most cases, people do not really come to terms with this until they are young or even older adults. Then at around 14 was the time when the condition of the home worsened, which there was a good reason for (although I am not going to state it here because it is not referring directly to my life, and I am trying to keep this as confidential as I can). This was around the time when I moved out, with the parent who was not a hoarder, and even though them and myself had drawn attention to this which led to the case where it was advised that we do move out or there could be other procedures which may have been taken. And while moving out of that environment was certainly good for my physical and mental health, it certainly did leave a pang of guilt, at the fact that the problem had not been addressed directly by us in a sensitive and considerate manner (you can call me a monster if you like, because there have certainly been times where I have thought very lowly of myself).  

Feeling Dirty 

As a young child, I just accepted what the home was like. The molding toy fish all along the bath which no one was allowed to throw away were probably perceived as “fine”, even though A) most people would have thought them to have been gross, and B) I had always dreaded one actually falling into the bath. What’s more, it was presumed that I should have a bath once a week, and if I wanted one more often, it would be rather hard seeing that it was always insisted that the water was left in the bath, to be used to flush the toilet, leaving the bath feeling pretty slimy afterwards, as you can imagine. There were a couple of times during primary school and early secondary school where my “hygiene” was picked up on, and while this felt pretty humiliating and unconsciously it probably contributed to my low self-esteem, I did not really reason there that there was anything wrong (side note, I can promise you that I bath/shower far more often than once a week now). Another problem which was rife in my household was uncleanliness when it came to food. Each year, there were more and more rotting apples picked from the tree, which had accumulated in a box (and then also bags) inside the kitchen. Which some, as you can guess, would have contained worms and the liking. The fridge was never cold enough, meaning that much of the food inside there would probably not have been completely safe to eat, meanwhile the vegetable box was never cleaned out, due to being filled too highly with vegetables, some rotting. This led to me being fed food which would have been beyond safe to eat due to being moldy and often undercooked (leading me to frequently not eat all of it, thus binging on chocolate bars instead and being called a pig as a result). Nonetheless, this was never properly picked up on, to the point where it was expected that I was living in unclean conditions, while there were no parents of friends or extended family who were really there for me to help with the multitude of this problem, or even to address it. Leaving me feeling incredibly isolated, and angry as a young teenager. Now as an adult, I think it is fair to say that this has still had an impact on my self-esteem, as even though I fucking wash (just reiterating this again), being the kid with greasy hair and unclean clothing somewhat unconsciously leaves me feeling inferior to my peers, as if there is something wrong with me, and “ugly”.  

General Impacts 

I know that I have already discussed some of the ways in how it has impacted itself, but of course different people respond in different ways to this experience. One of the main ways in which it can impact a child is by feeling as if their own wellbeing is less important than the possessions which the parent chooses to keep hold of. It is quite common for children to feel that they do not fit in with their home, due to the clutter being in the way of the child being able to live as they like, which would heighten conflict between the parent and the child. This reduces the chance that the child reaches their potential. This was certainly somewhat experienced by me, feeling as though my home was not really a home and I did not have as much nice space as my peers would have had. While the obvious point was that there was not really a clear space to complete homework etc, although fortunately I was able to sit at the table to do it. Yet I am aware that those who have experienced more severe cases may not have had this luxury. Another way in which I was fortunate was that I did have my own bedroom, which as a teenager, I did keep rather tidy. This can also impact one’s life into adulthood. 

Am I now a “Neat Freak” 

As adults, as a result of the experience of growing up with a hoarder, it can lead to the feeling of needing to be in control. The obvious one would be keeping the home as clean and tidy as possible, and not liking any kind of clutter. Nonetheless, this most certainly is not me, as I am probably one of the messiest people. However, this is certainly not to the stage where my living environment is unclean, or where I am at all reluctant to throw something away which is no longer of use to me. Nonetheless, there have certainly been times when I have felt the need to be in control, and for me personally, I would say that the most prominent way would probably been through working, such as achieving certain grades, or simply strictly allocating a certain number of hours each day to being “productive”. However, since going to university, this has been something which I have worked on and have let loose of quite significantly. However, there can be many ways in which the need for control can manifest in someone later in life, and while it is important to acknowledge the difficulties of having grown up in this environment, it is equally important to place checks on oneself, to ensure that the impacts of the behavior as a result are mitigated, especially when it comes to bringing up children at a later point in life. 

https://www.moms.com/hoarding-disorder-impact-kids/

https://www.vice.com/en/article/889gpg/how-my-mums-hoarding-affected-my-childhood

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/hidden-lives-children-hoarders

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/hoarding-disorder-symptoms

Love Her or Hate Her? Lorelai Gilmore Character Analysis: Gilmore Girls


The “Cool Mum” 

For younger teenagers were fans, they would not have minded having a Mum like Lorelai. She was a fine example of the “cool Mum”, a broad term which refers to a Mum leaning towards the more laid-back type, who is generally more “trendy” than the average Mum. However, Lorelai was more than just this stereotype because she would always show strong interest in her daughter, Rory, frequently giving her concrete advice, and always showed intrinsic love. Even if she disagreed with Rory’s decisions, she was always supportive. Nonetheless, some of her flaws did impact her motherhood. And while she is treasured by most, some fans of the show just cannot forgive the mistakes that she made, making her instead one of their most disliked characters. 

What went wrong and where? 

Lorelai sometimes did cross the line between being relaxed, and not holding Rory accountable. Not to mention, being overly complimentary. An extreme example was after 20-year-old Rory had spent the night in jail because of stealing a Yacht). But instead of confronting Rory with the fact that her actions were deplorable, she simply drove her home, cracked a few jokes then treated her to a box of donuts.  

Another slightly less stark example, was when Rory’s car was damaged when she was 17, when she took it out with her and her Boyfriend at the time, Jess. Although really both were equally accountable for this incident, the entire blame was shifted onto Jess. At this stage, Rory was willing to point out that this was partially her fault, yet no one would have it. This way, perhaps if Lorelai had recognised that her daughter, just like everyone else, was not perfect, then Rory would not have grown into the overly entitled student at university, who would never accept any kind of responsibility for her actions. Moreover, during the revival when Rory was 32, she perhaps would have found herself being a somewhat successful journalist, due to her having the realisation that she needed to put in some effort and preparation to accustom success, knockbacks and criticism were expected and that just because she was Rory, a good job rather than an excellent job is not one to be turned down. This stands in complete contrast to Rory’s reality at that time, where she was without a home, without a job, and apparently without underwear. Sadly, this harshly illustrates what good intentions can sometimes lead to… 

Furthermore, at times in the show it appeared that Lorelai was perhaps a little too involved in Rory’s love life. What’s more, although we loved watching them as best buds, sometimes this did slip into codependency. For instance, when Rory was at University, Lorelai depended on her to see her, especially when the dreaded Friday night dinners with Lorelai’s parents were involved. And even when Rory was younger, they perhaps did spend a little too much time together, which was something which Lorelai may have felt she needed but may have led Rory to depend too much on Lorelai. 

Lorelai’s Virtues 

Despite some of the mistakes Lorelai made, overall, Lorelai did make a good mother, especially considering that she had Rory at such an early age, thus having to make huge sacrifices, meanwhile consistently working incredibly hard at the Inn. Furthermore, Lorelai was an excellent friend, and she played more than her part in the community, despite many other commitments. Furthermore, let us not forget the times where she was more than altruistic, such as when she discovered that two of the girls who were supposed to be with Rory and Paris had run off to a party, where alcohol and goodness knows what else were involved, where she took the girls out of the potentially dangerous situation. Another was where she would spend hours listening to Paris, when Rory had dropped out of university, knowing that Paris did not have parents who were emotionally close. Lorelai recognised that Paris required comfort and guidance, and as Paris stated herself, Lorelai was like a second Mum to her. Furthermore, when witnessing Rory’s friend Lane having a troubled relationship with her Mum, Lorelai confronted Lane’s mother about this, which although it was not received most welcomingly at the time, Lane’s mum did somewhat alter her behavior toward Lane. And finally, much later, Lorelai confronted Lane about her Mum, implying that her Mum cared deeply for her in spite of everything. Here she was not only showing care for Lane’s wellbeing, but Lorelai was also trying to prevent history from repeating itself, where Lane and her Mum may have ended up more distant than necessary. Here, we not only see Loralai once again showing care for those around her, but it was her way of showing that she regretted what she did wrong regarding the relationship she had with her own mother. For sure, prevention is better than cure, and it is certainly easier. 

Lorelai’s Love Life 

Most fans would contain that it was the area of relationships where she would slip up most. For a start, she would constantly push others away, being Max at the start (who was perfect), then later, Luke (sad face as they belonged together), which led her to sleep with the boyfriend who she was with at 16, Christopher. This was not a good example to set for Rory, and is of course selfish, nonetheless, how much can we really blame Lorelai? Lorelai clearly had a very troubled relationship with both of her parents, who even though they were involved in her life throughout the show, there had been an incredibly long time where they had not spoken at all. Having to start bringing up a child ALONE at 16, must have left an emotional scar, and although as we come to see that Lorelai’s parents deeply cared for her, this certainly did not show this in convectional ways. 

What’s more, the show certainly dropped enough hints that Emily had been emotionally abusive toward her daughter growing up, and that both of her parents had somewhat neglected her emotional needs. As a result, it is common for these experiences to impact people’s behavior around relationships later life, and since Lorelai had needed to be independent for such a prolonged period in her life, it is not surprising that being with someone who deeply loves and cares for her would be incredibly scary, even though it may have been something that she deeply desired. Plus, considering that the show was aired in 2000, there were nowhere near as many easily accessible resources relating to healing and preventing generational adversity from repeating itself. This way, it is fair to say that it is harder to hold Lorelai as accountable for some of her actions as it would be to do so for someone who has had similar experiences today.  

The Relationship with Lorelai’s parents 

This is a slightly complicated one because as I came to watch more of the show, it became clearer that neither of her parents were monsters. Her Mum, of whom there were the most quarrels with, did in fact care deeply for Loralai. This of course made some fans detest Lorelai’s decision not to tell her parents where she was, when fleeting the home at 16, because who would choose to do that when they had been raised in a prosperous home being more than taken care of physically? But again, she was only 16. And although Lorelai later realised that her not telling her Mum where she was made her worried sick, and heartbroken, there must have been a good reason for her not to confront her parents. Because in healthy circumstances, who would not? 

But, throughout the show, both the Mum and Dad were cold and distant, and there were many strong signs that her Mum at least was emotionally abusive toward her growing up, partly as I realise now, because of her Mum’s own insecurities. Therefore, while Loralai did act in some immature ways toward her parents, as an adult as well as just when she was a teenager, there were some good reasons for this. Because while being emotionally abused and neglected may not lead to the social services banging the doors down, it is still an issue which leads to huge impacts, and more credit is due regarding how Loralai managed to remain confident, at least externally, and work her bum off, despite her huge setbacks.  

Overall, do we love or hate her?

Even though I am a lot closer to Rory’s age throughout the show, I would say that I connect with Lorelai just as much as, if not more than Rory. Because, although here I am at 19 sat in my uni dorm at gone midnight typing this post (more of a Rory action than something which Lorelai would have done), having grown up with an emotional abusive mother and emotionally unavailable parents, I can relate to many of the things which Loralai must have gone through. Even I had a bit of a rebellious teenager phase where I seemed to do nothing but argue with my parents, until this got to hurt a bit too much, so from around the ages 14-15, this switched to me becoming a people pleaser, also managing to learn the art of not expressing my emotions, or even acknowledging them to myself, because really I had no one, thus it seemed like I had no other choice. Although this is something which I have been working on, I tell you that it is not easy, and the unfulfilled void becomes ever more apparent as this work continues. But I promise you that it is worth it! Therefore, it would be impossible for me to dislike Lorelai, especially considering that she finally does decide to receive therapy, and that even before then she tries incredibly hard to fulfil Rory’s needs by being a better mother than her own was to her. Afterall, she is filled with love, compassion and energy and is deeply admired by many fans including myself. 

The Hard Truth About Rory and Lorelai’s Relationship on ‘Gilmore Girls’

https://screenrant.com/gilmore-girls-lorelai-best-worst-traits/

Personal Update- February 2022


Hello, So I know I did commit to doing a personal update on the first day of each month, and I know that technically it is now the second of February, but I haven’t gone to sleep yet so to me, really it is still a Tuesday, or the first of February, so here we go.

Now, what exciting things have happened? I mean nothing exceptional really, if I am honest. I have had exams and I honestly have no clue how they went because most of them were essays! Apart from the one in economics which I have now had to apply for extenuating circumstances for because my laptop wasn’t connecting to the wifi, so I consequently sent an email attaching all of the work, before the deadline. Only to find that the email had not sent until a week later. So I will keep you all updated on this issue.

Apart from that, I have started going to the gym, which I am really enjoying, it is just that it is so time consuming haha, and I don’t go there any where ear as often as I should. But I will start going there more often, at least that is what I keep telling myself. I have been working a bit, and I also went clubbing on the Friday, which if I am to be brutally honest with you, it wasn’t exactly the best night out. In all fairness, clubbing is a little overrated, unless you are super drunk. We now have more in person lectures which has been nice, and I have made a few more friends on my course. I have also joined the debating society, which has been interesting. Literally, just live life by waffling then you will be fine, trust me 🙂

In myself, I have been quite a bit better since the last time I updated you, I will thank the slightly longer evenings for that. And I am hoping that this month will be better still, because apart from anything else, it is the last month of winter!

So that is all for the time being, I know I haven’t exactly written some novel here, but this is all the non personal stuff which I have for now, and even if I did share more personal stuff, quite honestly I don’t have much of that to share at the moment either. No romance still 😦 Wonder if any of that will change for the 14th. I highly doubt it. Well, that is that for now then I guess.

I hope that you all have a good rest of week, and a good month ahead!

The Male Gaze


Think about it. You are leaving the house for the first time today. You were happily cooped up in your room, wearing, I do not know, tracksuit bottoms or something, and chances are you do not have makeup on. Yet there are probably a few rituals which you abide by before you decide to finally leave the house, and these all get done before you go about checking that you have your keys for the millionth time. No, chances are you put on your makeup, find a “half decent outfit”, look for a suitable pair of shoes, then you finally venture out. Because you do not want anyone to see you looking as if you have just emerged from a bush, do you? When you eventually decide that you look acceptable, you finally head out. You wander past quite a few old people, some people who look around 16 who you are convinced that they look better than you, then you see that guy who you admit is moderately attractive, yet you would not dare to ever do as much a look him in the eye. The trip to the local shop has been fine, you have gotten what you need, but you decide to take the short cut back, where on the way you pass that crappy car garage place. There are about 7 men working there, who look as if they have about 5 kids each, of whom they do not know about. Yet, one would assume that they would be too busy going about their lengthy day at work, while thinking about the daily trip to the pub with the “lads” after work and gazing at those old sketchy posters in the tearoom whenever they get a moment. But you are wrong. As you pass by, a few of them give off an unsynchronised and out of tune whistle. Then, just for a minute, you wish that you had kept on your comfortable trackies, considering that otherwise you end up receiving unwanted, unpalatable, degrading attention, and the fact that all that effort was made for merely a ten-minute round trip. 

Ok, I am afraid that I reckon that this is something which most young women can relate to. Nevertheless, how is this relevant? Well, looks, looks and looks. None of us like being gazed at, yet we still feel unnecessary pressures. Yes, this post is all about the male gaze. 

What is the male gaze? 

The male gaze relates to “the act of depicting women and the world, in the visual arts[2] and in literature,[3] from a masculine, heterosexual perspective that presents and represents women as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexualmale viewer.” This is particularly the case with women of colour, who have historically been perceived as hypersexual. In practice, yes you have guessed it, it leads to women feeling the need to look, consciously or subconsciously, in a way that satisfies this. Meanwhile, as already mentioned, it can lead to incidents of sexual harassment and worse. But catcalling is so 1960s right? Wrong! 

Why is it even a thing? 

The idea of the male gaze could be traced back to philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre, who embodied the idea of the male gaze in Being and Nothingness (1943). Here, the “act of gazing” created “a subjective power difference, which is felt by the gazer and by the gazed.” This is because the person “being gazed at” is seen as “an object”, rather than a human being. 

The Modern Outlook of the Male Gaze 

The male gaze is very predominant in modern film. Often there is focus on the woman’s body, to be seen as an object of desire for the characters in the film and for the male viewer. This represents a balance of power of the man over the woman. This also takes prominence within the workplace, where women will put in large efforts into their appearance and even go to extremes such as paying for plastic surgery such as to mitigate the physical impacts of ageing, meanwhile men can get away with merely putting on a business suit and tie each day. This reinforces the power balance of men over women within the world of work. 

The Female Gaze 

The female gaze relates to when women take up the male gaze, either internally or externally. When this occurs externally, women view other women through the male gaze, and when it occurs internally, women see themselves in relation to the male gaze, which as you can guess, can lead to a lot of self-deprecation, insecurity, and potentially mental illness. Once again, this reinforces the male gaze. This can replicate within women’s magazines, which while they have come a long way from the past, now often discussing practical issues of genuine importance, if you were to flip the page over, you would be bound to find some advert illustrating to women another way of “improving” the outer appearance. A tremendous problem with this, is that often women, being more than aware of the toxicity of these standards will not necessarily distinguish between what is of help, and of what is merely an advert trying to reinforce this ideal. Of courses, this will lead women to continue to internalise the male gaze, whether consciously or subconsciously. 

How can we Revert the Male Gaze 

I am going to be realistic, as this is not something that we are going to be able to achieve overnight. Nevertheless, for a start, if we all become a bit more aware of the current issues at hand and become a little more cynical when we choose to consume content, then we should become less vulnerable to being thrown into it. This hopefully should enable us to all become a little less susceptible to content advertising produce to us, and as a result magazines would have less reason to feature such ads.  

More importantly, the male gaze encourages women to act in competitive, individualistic ways, which is unsurprising considering that because of beauty standards and suppression in the workplace, women are bound to see “attractive” women as a potential threat, rather than a companion.  

Another thing which can be done, is to revert the male gaze in films, where the man instead is portrayed as the “bimbo”, while being mocked by female counterparts. 

https://theeverydaymagazine.co.uk/opinion/womens-greatest-performance-the-internalised-male-gaze

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-the-male-gaze-5118422

https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/what-is-the-male-gaze-definition/

Male gaze – Wikipedia

The Beauty Myth Naomi Wolf

https://theeverydaymagazine.co.uk/opinion/womens-greatest-performance-the-internalised-male-gaze

Wellness Culture


It is Monday morning, and let us face it. You are already pretty exhausted, despite the weekend that has just passed which is meant to leave you feeling refreshed for the upcoming week. Everything is worrying you, from current news affairs, work related issues and events going on in your personal life. Yet, you will continue to convince yourself that everything is fine. Providing that you can continue going out at least once a week, to loosen up, get really drunk, then really, everything is fine. Until, one day, you realise that everything is a bit of a mess. You come across ways and instructions on how to be healthier. How to address and heal your anxieties, rather than constantly trying to avoid them. How to become healthier, instead of continuing to indulge in junk food, alcohol, and whatever else that dtrings your imagination. Then it suddenly occurs to you how you have been avoiding nature for so long, as you have been treadling along in a foggy old city for so long. Time for a better life, don’t you say? Time to ensure that you take as many vitamins as possible, that you practice yoga for a solid hour each morning and time that you decide to engage with crystals.  

What is Wellness culture? 

“Wellness” became popular in the late 1950s by the “Father of the Movement”, Dr Dunn. He defined wellness as an “active ongoing pursuit”, which “focuses on the improvement of the self.” Wellness culture can look like improving physical and mental health, including gaining strength and “improving” the appearance of the body, engaging in “self-care” and even engaging in subjects like astrology. 

The History of Wellness Culture 

During Victorian times, many life reformers took some pleasure in asceticism, which involved taking to the outdoors. However, health was blended with beauty, leading to the point where one’s outward appearance was an indication of their health, reinforcing western beauty standards. This gave them “a sense of agency in their own future”, during times of social and economic change. Nineteenth century wellness culture promised health, success, and personal fulfilment. Now, in 2022, there are some parallels between now and at the end of the 19th century, including “a technological revolution, capitalist expansion and labor insecurity.”  

However, there is another element to the history of wellness culture, which was developed by feminists and civil rights activists in the 1960s/70s. They established health centers and programmers, in response to the bias of a “white, male dominated medical profession.” While this sent a particularly important message that equality of health is crucial to establishing a more equal society it could be contested that this has contributed to some of the anti-scientist health which aspects of wellness culture hold today. 

Potential Benefits of Wellness Culture 

The habits relating to wellness culture can be enjoyed and can benefit many people’s physical and mental health. This is due to the emphasis that this has on taking care of the body, giving time to oneself as well as concerning the spiritual benefits. The importance of wellness culture is emphasised in schools, hospitals and even prisons, which is very suggestive of the possible benefits that it holds. 

Why it is so Appealing 

We would all love to strive for this ideal of life, especially if there is accomplishment involved in doing so. This way, it is understandable why a healthy lifestyle combined with some logical and some interesting ways of becoming happier, while it is nice that it at least takes the focus away from productivity culture. Also, in the world of uncertainty we are in today, it is understandable to want something which offers predictability, not to mention a break away from the hustle and bustle of today’s culture. 

The problems associated with Wellness Culture 

While engaging in it a little bit can not only be healthy but also enjoyable, I think that you will agree that not everyone enjoys yoga. In practice, this means that if people set unrealistic goals, becoming extremely set upon wellness culture, it can lead them to a “slip into perfectionism.” This is unhealthy for anyone, because it can lead to “an incessant striving or need to be perfect” and when things do not go to plan which is often the case when people do strive to perfection, there can be “a deep contempt or rage at the self when we haven’t lived up to those elevated expectations.” This can lead to “anxiety, hyper vigilance and obsession” if one fails to meet those exacting standards. Moreover, while this may not be the intention of those who engage in wellness culture, there is still a strong emphasise on the individual, due to the strong focus on the self within a competitive, pressurised environment. And when people put this pressure on themselves then fail to meet up to their expectations, it can lead to a lot of “self-blame” and “self-criticism.” 

Furthermore, while not all be aware of this, it reinforces western beauty standards, concerning the emphasis on improvement of the image, which goes hand in hand with individualism. This can be traced back to how people see beauty standards and want to “improve” their appearance to match accordingly, therefore they can engage in wellness culture to help them strive to this. 

Also, to engage in wellness culture, one needs to hold a certain amount of privilege to possess sufficient time to engage in it. Which is difficult for one living in the 21st century, having to work as many as 4 jobs, to merely make ends meet. This becomes more obvious when we consider the price of “self-care” products, spa retreats and, well, sufficient funds to afford to maintain this “ideal” of health, or beauty. Additionally, when we put “special diets” into the equation, the reality is that it can become nearer the opposite of self-care, when these diets end up looking restrictive, leading to unhealthy views concerning diet. 

Merely Money Making 

So as already mentioned, for many, engaging in wellness culture is costly. Yet let us just think for a minute about who benefits from all this. Afterall, the wellness industry benefits from the money which we choose to spend on it. Further, because of the pandemic, more people have sought the purchase of exercise equipment within their homes. 

https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/wellness-culture-over

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/wellness-industry-issues-perfectionism

Internalised Homaphobia


“I am bisexual, but to be fair, I do tend to go for men rather than women. At least usually. It is because naturally I tend to get attracted to men, but it does not mean that I do not like women or that I would not find myself becoming attracted to them. At the same time, I look straight, don’t I? I mean, I would feel so uncomfortable flirting with a girl in a club, because of how I look and that, plus it is so much easier to just make out with a guy. I mean, they will just come up to me anyway, and if I do choose to discreetly flirt, then what mistakes could occur?” 

I suppose that this could be coming out of my own mouth. I am bisexual, and I do claim that I prefer men over women. Nonetheless, there have been many times where I have questioned this, because let us face it, women are hot ASF! Therefore, what is causing so many of us to still turn away from what we are attracted to, despite all the progress that has been made? 

What is Internalised Homophobia? 

Everybody knows what homophobia is. According to the language, it is a fear of those who are not heterosexual, nonetheless generally it is seen as, and is more of a hatred against gay people. Nonetheless, internalised homophobia has only gained traction recently and it refers to “when a person consciously or unconsciously accepts homophobic biases and apply these biases to themselves.” This often stems from learning prejudiced beliefs during early childhood, which then develops as they become older. The reason for this is because of the assumption that being heterosexual is the “norm” and the “correct way to be.” This can look like people hiding their sexuality from others, being in a heightened concern about getting into a homosexual relationship, or even denying their sexuality to themselves to others. 

But how come when Homophobia “doesn’t exist?” 

Any LGBT+ person would tell you otherwise, however, it is more than reasonable to contest that life is a lot easier for LGB people now than it was 50 years ago. However, if we investigate this further, it can easily be seen how life is not yet exactly super easy for LGB people. For a start, in Northern Ireland “the average age for men to realise their sexual orientation was 12, yet the average age they actually confided in someone was 17.” This illustrates how scared young people are of opening up about something which they realised a long time ago. Clearly showing that young people are afraid to come forward about something that plays a significant part in their lives, and there are obviously going to be reasons why this is the case. 

Causes of Internalised Homophobia 

The most obvious cause, yet a cause which is sadly quite common today, is because of “antigay bias.” This can result in someone choosing to hide their sexuality because of biases. This can include bias from family, friends, or people at work. A similar cause is heterosexualism, which “refers to the notion that heterosexuality is normal and the default.” This can lead to LGBT+ people feeling that their identities are not the “norm,” resulting in them either being reluctant to tell them what their identity is, concealing their sexuality by dressing to “look straight” as an example, or even denying how they may feel about someone they like. Meanwhile accelerators of internalised homophobia can include religious conservatism, lack of social support and exposure to Non heterosexual identities. While this may seem like a world far away from reality, especially from the point of view of non-homosexual people who mostly claim not to have a problem with homosexual people, the fact is that “51% said that they or a family member from the LGBTQ+ communities had experienced violence because of their sexual orientation”, according to a poll. 

How it can Manifest 

For a start, consciously or unconsciously, internalised homophobia can result in someone trying to “hide” their sexual orientation from others, by “passing as straight.” This may even include someone trying to “pass”, such as pretending that their partner is “just a good mate”, rather than as a partner, to avoid them from being hurt. Further, it can lead to “Poor relationship quality, Mental health complications and Chronic stress.” In fact, gay people are 2.5 times more likely to experience major depressionanxiety disorder, and substance use disorders, and four times more likely to attempt suicide during adolescence.”  

How can we Improve this? 

Before we can begin working on what the cause of internalised homophobia is, we need to realise how homophobia is still rampant. For a start, there are still many homophobias perceived in mainstream religions, including Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. Furthermore, in some countries, “applicants and current employees can be legally passed over or fired for being non-heterosexual or perceived as non-heterosexual.” What is more is that being LGBT+ puts people at a greater risk of poverty, where the Trevor project estimates 40% of the American homeless are LGBT+, meanwhile 10% of the general US population are homeless. Therefore, to reduce the internalised homophobia which plays a substantial role in the lives of LGBT+ people, we first need to address the amount of homophobia in our modern society, meaning that we need to work on the objects that they face in society. Meanwhile, LGBT+ culture needs to be exposed more to the mainstream, to reduce the extent of anti-gay bias. This can include TV programs featuring more homosexual couples. 

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/heteronormativity-gender-identity-sexual-orientation

Misgendering and the struggles of my internalised transphobia

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/internalized-homophobia#summary

What is Internalized Homophobia?

Internalised Homophobia

%d bloggers like this: