Monthly Update

Hello, well March has been a kind of interesting month. Well, and these last few days have, well, probably been especially interesting. And just as a word of warning, it is likely that this post is going to be a little bit of a jumble, just because there is quite a bit going on at the moment, and I am a little sad but I am going to try and approach this in the right way.

I mean, for a start, at least I am actually choosing to write about this and think about this in a mature manner, rather than leaning into thinking really negatively about myself, or using unhealthy coping mechanisms. And on this occasion, I am pretty sure that I am going to be fine.

So, I got rejected. Which although this happens to all of us, but in all fairness, it is quite a big deal. Especially from my perspective, where I have only recently allowed myself to not just acknowledge but also embrace my emotions. So basically there was this guy from uni, who I did have quite a big crush on. And it is strange, because there have been people who I have liked before, there have been people who have liked me before, and many people who just want to fuck around and mess with my head. But this one did feel different. Because it was like I was not just attracted to him because of how he looked, it was not just a rather immature, overly hopeful emotional connection, but it also felt like we did have a lot in common. Making matters either better or worse, a friend of ours did heavily imply to my face that this guy was really into me, and that he would tell him how I felt. However, the following day he just told me that he was not looking for a relationship. I suppose that implies that he preferred me more as a friend, and perhaps there would have been feelings but he wasn’t in the place to go for something.

But there we are, it is done and I probably will not see him for around 6 months which sounds mad, but there we go. In a way, this only makes me want to focus more on improving myself, and focus on friends who I have now and hopefully making more. I mean that matters more than relationships in many ways, and it would be pretty sad for two people to be in some close, cuddly relationship if neither of them had much going for themselves, and they did not really have many friends. Plus there will be more people, and as I have already mentioned, we probably will not see each other in 6 months anyhow. The reason for this is because it is at some society at university, but then I do want to join another one which he actually runs. Initially I was thinking that it was because of him, then I thought ew no way do I want to join considering he runs it and he will think ill of me, but I actually do want join because I did before I even began uni yet I had not really plucked up the courage (oh, and it’s the labour society in case any of you are interested). But if it is something I really want to join, and because one of my friends goes there anyway. Plus, he is someone who I would want to be good friends with, other things aside. There are other things as well which I want to do second term, which I had not plucked up the courage to do first term. Which is completely ok, we all grow at different stages and I feel that I have definitely grown and will continue to grow this year. But this will be something for my September or October update, and you never know, there may be some nice guys (or girls) there. But that is not the point, my friend was right. Think of them as side characters who come and go and if they are good and right then they will be really good for you. But that is rare. So in the time being, think of yourself as the main character, and think of friends as part of you and your life. More important than side characters! I do want to stay friends with him though, and it does make me a little sad to think that I am not going to see not just him but some of the others in such a long time. Obviously I hope to meet up with some over the summer term, but then I have opportunities to make new friends and spend more time with ones at home over the summer and the summer holiday. Ok, most of that I made up. She just mentioned them as side characters. Ha, this is probably the reason why I read too deeply into situations, because I am so good with inventing shit in my head for no reason.

Speaking of which, I have finally finished the four horrific essays. Goodness knows how well I have done in them, because I was meant to get a grant because of my A levels, but considering that I fucked up not with writing but submitting the previous exams, it does make this a little harder. But then at the same time, I do only need 64% with these assignments and exams to be accepted. So, maybe it is not as hard after all. Only time will tell.

I am going to have quite a bit more time on my hands as well during the summer term, because I will only have to do two exams, while most people will have to do more than two, because of the fact that I had four assignments to do. That’s as I took four modules because of my course, therefore for two of them it was the ten credit version or something. Never mind. Famous last words, but all will be ok. I might end up choosing to work more hours in that time, because I do need the money. Also I hope to go out a bit more and meet more of my friends. Oh shit, that reminds me that I still need to rebook my driving test, but my other licence STILL hasn’t arrived. I feel that I really ought to chase them up about it, because it really is getting silly. But then, I assume that if you replace your provisional, you still have the same licence number?

So changing the subject (yet again), it is only five days before I go to Portugal. Which, if I am honest, I cannot quite believe. Which also reminds me to try and print off the plane tickets as I am not sure if they accept digital. Don’t look at me, I haven’t been abroad since I was 13 which was a school French trip, and the only time I have been abroad on a plane was when I was 4. Can you really imagine year old me understanding the logistics of getting a plane? Ok, to be fair I went to Belfast at 15, and I am sure the fact that it was not abroad did not mean that we were exempt for presenting plane tickets. But still!

Ok, one last thing I am going to say is that I really need to sort out what I want to do with my life over the summer. Which is going to be a little bit difficult because I don’t have much money, but I am thinking perhaps working abroad. Definitely something that I am going to look into over easter, and update you on next month. I am actually pretty emotional that the first year seems to be coming towards an end, because I have literally just managed to feel a lot more confident and happy within myself, and really beginning to feel settled. But hey, that’s life and I have had some good experiences and I am sure they won’t end here. And believe it or not, when I first began to write this post I was feeling a little sad, but now having written about it (I do also have friends to tell, and I have told a few), I actually feel pretty happy deep down. So I am glad that this happened to me during a time where I am doing pretty well.

So I am now going to leave, and I have decided to write a post about how to deal with rejection, just so that I really am able to deal with this situation in the most positive way, and to help others do the same if they happen to stumble along this post. Then it will be time to do my laundry, then some uni work, then work- with all of the slightly odd men who are probably all in their mid twenties, who seem to desire a shag. Well, it reminds me that I’m hot. Just kidding, but we have to have a laugh don’t we! Which reminds me, this blog really has not been getting much attention recently, and I only really have myself to blame. But like I already said, I am going to have more time on my hands very soon (after Portugal), therefore I really do want to post more. Maybe on TikTok, maybe on instagram. But then TikTok is exciting, and it attracts 14 olds. And I suppose that this blog probably appeals to that kind of literacy level. But best case scenario against best case scenario (ie if this blog picks up again because I actually get off my as, well not literally as I am writing, and the tiktok gets attention), then I think overall I would make a DECENT role model. I mean, like all people I am far from perfect, and I know that there is so much more I could have done this term at uni, during sixth form, and I know that I have a few slightly annoying habits. But don’t we all, and I am working on it, and I think that overall things are sound 🙂