The Bitch is Back Again/kinda Mental Health Update (And I have Started Making Podcasts)

Hello! And here is yet another update post, oh wait, like I have posted on here at all for a long time haha.

To begin with, I just want to talk about where I have been with blogging. For a start, I have started making podcasts on anchor. At the moment, it is still in very early stages, basically the only person who listens is my Dad at the moment, haha. As I am even too scared to tell my close friends, oh wait, actually that is a lie, I have mentioned it to one or two, but I don’t want to exactly be kicking them up their asses trying to force them to listen when they simply don’t want to, or have other things to do. But basically I aim to upload every Wednesday, and so far I have uploaded four, and I will be back with another later on today. Now the reason that I began making podcasts was because I wanted to try something different to blogging, just because I have been doing this over a couple of years now, and while I love it, I admit that it does get a little samey. Also, I am aware that podcasts are becoming increasingly popular, while I want to have a try at improving my speaking as well, because I mean to be a journalist, you do kinda need to be good at speaking providing that you are wanting to do that kind of thing. Oh gosh, why am I sounding so official, it is not like me to sound this way, honestly I don’t take myself seriously enough most of the time haha. But maybe this is a good thing.

However, I have now officially decided that I will also be posting a brief of these podcasts on this blog, as well as a link to the actual podcast of course. The main reason for this is because I want to expand my audience, and quite honestly, I am not too sure on how to gain more views via podcasting, yet I do know how to engage with people on this blog.

So from this, let’s go into what is going on in my own life at the moment. Ok, maybe not everything, but let’s start with the boring stuff. I finished exams last Friday, and I am now just waiting to get my grades back. I am so worried though, as although I feel like I answered the questions and I did enough to pass, I also feel as if I have not done enough to get a “good mark” if you get what I mean. And basically I need to get 64% in my assignments/exams if I get the money next year, because I should have got 60% overall including the exams from last semester, but some idiot managed to fuck up submitting not one exam but two last time. Oops! However, I don’t think that any of you really want me to bore you even more to death, therefore let’s move onto the interesting stuff. Now, rolling on from my previous update post, Portugal was pretty lush. I became close to one girl who I was already friends with, going out pretty much every evening was quite fun, and I managed to fall into a rock and fuck up my lips for a day (while sober, when surfing fyi). Also, I have been going out more since getting back, and since finishing exams. Ok, not like “out out” all the time, but still, whatever. It is kind of nice to be able to lounge around in my room for the best part of the day, not having any commitments (oh shit, I do have two 8 hour shifts this week but that’s nothing really), but at the same time, I do want to start being a little more productive. Finally, to keep things short, I am leaving Swansea in just under two weeks, will be going to North Wales for a week with my Dad, then in July I will be working in Greece for a month.

Now before I say goodbye and wish all of you guys the best, I want to mention a couple of things about how I have been generally. Now I never used to feel comfortable sharing about my personal stuff to anyone really, but basically back around April I was so happy. Like, not superficially happy. But I was content with my life, and I was also content with myself. I will still say that I am happy with the person who I am, and I think I do love myself if you get what I mean, yet deep down I still do get negative thoughts about myself, which tend to flow right out of that deep place, to my mouth, then fucking out if it, whenever I am drunk! Also, I have been slipping into a few bad habits, such as being a little too dependent on alcohol during social situations (but not getting into a “state” at all, just being annoying and oversharing), as well as some other bad habits which I do not really want to mention about. While I have just generally been feeling more anxious than usual, while in the past few days, I have just been feeling less motivated. And it is not like I am unable to talk to people, and it is not like I am unable to get out of bed, eat, do laundry, leave the house and the list goes on. It is strange, because I feel as though I am practically living the life that I want to live, I know that I need to be strong for myself in order to continue becoming the best version, and finally I am aware that people do care about me, even though I feel so alone. Ok, I was lying a little bit about being able to talk to people, I mean I am able to talk to anyone who does not give me strange vibes if you get me, but it is in the flat where I find it hard.

And here comes the space where I will slag off my flat mates.

Fat lie. They are all good people, I am very close with one of them, but basically there are two guys who are basically fine. Yet they have like three of their friends around. The two guys, as well as their friends, are incredibly loud. I mean, sometimes they will shout as if they are at a football match, at like 2 o clock in the morning if sober, or 4am if drunk. Now, to give you more of an idea of what the two guys are like, one stole an unchained bike the other week, because they missed the bus. The next day, they told the girl I’m close with that the bike was dumped in the bush. They may have been lying, but I could tell that she was stressed out, and they do other things to stress her as well, and she has spoken to them about i. But have they stopped to think? No. I think that they did return it eventually but still. But I am glad I am not living with them next year, but it is no wonder why I am anxious at approaching their friends especially when I do say hi and introduce myself, and they look at me as if I was a pile of cotton lettuce. Sorry, I don’t know where these methapores are coming from today.

But back to the main part of the story. Basically I am annoyed at myself because I feel I am living the life that I want to live, and if I could be happy and confident all of the time, then things could literally be next to perfect. But nope, my annoying brain gets in the way. If someone can relate, then please comment.

Anyway, happy first of June, and I hope that June goes well for you guys, and I hope that I manage to sort my shit out. Usually when I go through something like this, I will dye my hair, but I cannot even do that because of work. But anyway, my podcast link is down here, and it is also on my homepage.

Press here to listen to my podcasts!!!