Hi hope that you are all ok.
Now as I am writing this at the beginning of the “summer holidays”, I decided it would be a good time to do another off my updatey posts, where I basically ramble on about my life and probably moan about a few things, and not do very much else. So then, here we go…
If I am honest, I feel like a bit of a mess at the moment. As I feel as if I have come to a bit of a hault in where I want to go from this point in life, and I don’t often have much motivation to get cracking with something. I think what has triggered this, was the rather snap decision of dropping one of my A levels, being music, meaning that from next year I will focusing on three as opposed to four. I feel a rather intense feeling of regret about having to drop, considering that this time last year I was extremely excited about making a start with this subject- as I hadn’t actually taken it at GCSE. Now I think the reason as to why I chose this was because I had this strong desire to possibly persue a career in music, but this has definitly worn down this year, therefore while I was behind anyway, I didn’t have that huge motivation to make rapid progress in the subject… While now I am much more certain as to what kind of path I would like to take, and I am hoping to persue a cereer in journalism. Now I have got nothing to show for a years worth of A-level music class, but I don’t regret learning what I learned in the class and being involved and watching others in concerts. Whilst next year I am certainly going to be able to spend more time focusing on my other three, as well as the possibility of more extra curricular and leisure time, while there is no longer the heavy burden of music performance and composition, which is going to be a collosal relief. But I suppose i was at a point of denial at the amount of work I would have to do the following year if I wasn’t to drop one of my A-levels, therefore once it did kind of hit, I sort of lead myself into a bit of an oblivion.
Another issue relating to this topic is that I am now very unsure on whether I want to take a gap year or not (I might do another blog post about this, discussing this in further detail) but I have one kind of party advising me that I ought to take a gap year, and I have a strong feeling that this could be a great advantage, and a unique experience which couldn’t really be replicated at another stage of my life. I mean who doesn’t want to travel to places we have never been to before at the age of 18 hey? But at the same time I am a little hesitant toward taking that year off, as then I would probably be one of the oldest in my classes at university. Though something as trivial as this really shouldn’t put me off! While there is also the money side of things, where I am not entirely sure how I will fund this because this factor hugely depends on whether I get any success in finding a job during the summer, where I am working for more than 12 hours a week.
I was also initially concerned about whether I would be “allowed” to partake in a gap year or not, considering that I have never really been away on my own before, and because of the expense. But firstly it is my decision afterall, I will be a legal adult (scary) plus it is a brilliant opportunity to get involved and gain a massively valuable experience and insight. Therefore, I think I an allowed 😉
Another thing, driving lessons have now started back again. Which I personally really enjoy and I feel that driving is feeling a little more “natural” now than it did initially, and I feel more in control of the car than what I did when I first started out. Well until we start talking about Doc Martins or the weather, or until I get distracted by dogs. Yeah, I am certain that he thinks that I’m a weirdo, but who cares? We have had quite a few goes on the main road, have become confident on the “pull up on the right” maneuver and I have had a few attempts of using the handbrake at one of those pesky steep junctions. So that has been pretty fun. Next Monday however, I have got the excitements of parallel parking. This time for proper, as we were meant to do this last. Never mind!
Now onto what’s going on in the world. There is so much bad stuff which has been going on, but I also feel that recently there have been positives which have been coming out of this, which might just give us a glimpse of hope for the future. For instence there has been so much more activism recently, and I think that this is absolutely brilliant. In that so many people (especially young) are taking a much greater interest in the world which we are living in, and seem to have a real desire toward making the world a better and kinder place. Meanwhile sadly the corona virus is still pretty very much apparent in many countries (including England) even thought lockdown restrictions have seemed to have eased at a rather fast rate (and don’t even let me get started on the USA). But in the last few days there has been really positive news which has come out about a vaccine which has been created, which has so far proven to be safe. Which is obviously an excellent progression, and lets remain optimistic and strongly hope that this continues to be tested as being safe, so that those at most risk can be protected from catching this. Oh, but by the way…Masks. I obviously completly welcome that they will now be mandatory in shops, but why now, when the government could have made these compolsury back in Feburary and March? And why the hell are some people so resistent to wearing these?
So this is definitely a more stressy, and more self focused entry than last time- however in a way I feel I might be in a slightly better place now than I was say nearly 2 months ago. Don’t worry I am ok and I was ok then, but just in a bit of a state of confusion amongst other things. The difference is, is that before hand I was in a bit of a state of denial (though considering the wider circumstances this was pretty inevitable) and this was at a point where both the world and my mind was a little aloof. Partly because now looking back at the time during the strict lockdown, I had put myself into a little bubble, and was filled with uncertainty about what would happen in the future, and I wasn’t telling myself let alone others about all of my concerns, or maybe I wasn’t seeing them myself. But now I feel things are just a little clearer, and while I am confused, at least I can at least realise how confused I am, at least to some degree. I am now able to make enough progress to gradually begin to move forward and accept a few things. I feel there is a little page which is turning, so I am not sure but I will see how the next few weeks pan out- in time for another exciting update post. Yey!
Yeah there is still miles to go, but I feel that the correct choices have been made. Meanwhile I have semi-taken yesterday and today “off” (though have been trying to be a little productive) but from tomorrow onwards I am going to put in more effort with things again, and focus on achieving my goals set out for this month (so far none have been achieved which is terrible but at least if I focus on it in the next ten days, perhaps I will be nearer to achieving them than to what I was before). And now as I finish this little conclusion, I am looking outside the window, the sky is bright blue, and I can almost feel the sun coming through. So I did actually say initially that now that it is summer, and I don’t have the weight of school work, and while I don’t have a job during at least the day time, I would be using this time to get outside a bit more. SO… I am going to do just that.
Edit: I went through and edited this post after I had written the last paragraph. I did go out in the sun, but the weather looks rather grim now…