Hi! So this is the first proper personal post that I have written on here in a long time. I decided to write this post because I am staying with a parent over the summer holiday, who you could call overbearing. It is likely that I am going to be spending more time with them now than I have in a very long time, because they have begun working from home, meanwhile I am not even staying in my hometown. Wish me luck, haha. When I refer to an ‘overbearing parent’, I am mainly referring to behaviours that are lacking in boundaries, with perhaps a fair amount of manipulation involved.
I also want to make it clear that I am writing from the perspective of a 20-year-old. Therefore, I certainly don’t know everything. Rather, I am basing this post off my experiences with what works and what doesn’t work, advise that other people have given to me, as well as a little bit of stuff that I have read about (mainly online).
I have also decided to structure this post slightly differently. Basically, I am going to begin with statements that an overbearing parent might say to you, then I will follow it up by a tempting response, finally followed by a better way to respond. I am also more than aware that simply not responding (and basically giving in) to these statements/behaviours can seem like the easy option, or at least the option that will avoid the most conflict. However, I feel that it is important to be able to stand your ground when hearing statements like these, otherwise it is only likely that things will start to get worse… Also, in case anyone is interested, some of these statements are actually similar to things that have been said to me, whilst others are statements that I feel that parents with similar traits would be likely to say.
“Hey, guess what! I have already booked my hotel to come and pick you up next week, because the weather is going to be nice!”
“I have literally just finished exams, and I know that the weather is nice. Which is why I wanted to have some time to actually have a life for once. And I know that the weather is nice, which is why I wanted to make the most of it. Good God, why do you have to ruin everything. I was already dreading spending summer with you, but I at least thought that I could have a tiny bit of time for myself first!”
That was something that basically happened, and it seriously annoyed me! The thing was, was that I was not expecting it to happen, like at all. This is because it was not something that had ever happened before. However, I should have given a date for when I wanted to go back, and I should have simply explained that I was busy, in Swansea, before that date.
“I am sorry that I put you out”.
“Well, you did more than put me out, you stupid asshole. You literally stopped me from doing X, Y and Z, and you have demolished all my boundaries. I actually cannot bear to look at you right now, you ugly, lying, manipulative pile of shite. You know what, next year, I am not going to come ‘home’, if you can call it that, even once. Not even for Christmas!. Now, fuck off!!!!!”
This relates to the previous incident… And honestly, there is nothing worse than nicely confronting someone, only to receive an ‘apology’ that is far from sincere. And I don’t know about you, but when someone ‘apologises’ in that manner, it only makes me ten times more angry about what they are ‘apologizing’ for. Like honestly, you cannot win. I feel that the best way to respond is to either reinforce how you feel, and even if they do not listen (which they probably won’t), at least you have gotten it somewhat off your chest. Alternatively, you could simply ignore them after that. I mean what kind of response can they expect?
“I feel that you take a very negative attitude towards me.”
“I HATE YOU!!! And I have every reason in the world to do so as well. You are not only making my life a misery right now, but you also did this 2 years ago, this 5 years ago and this ten years ago! And it is not just about me. You were rude to X, Y and Z, your life is a mess, and you dress like a zombie. It is no wonder that I feel the way that I do”.
When someone says something like this, it can be tempting to only reinforce this. I mean, at the end of the day, it might well reflect the way that you feel. However, I feel that going off on one, in that manner, is only going to make things worse. Especially when you know that you are going to have to spend X number of hours in the car with them, or X number of months under the same roof. Instead, it might feel safer to simply ignore them. Alternatively, if you do want to get some stuff off your chest involving how you feel about that parent, then it might be an idea, but only if it feels safe to do so. But perhaps not when you are already about to have an argument.
“I do not want you doing a masters abroad, you will be lonely, you won’t know the language, and there will be creepy crawlies.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. I cannot believe that you would even suggest that I am incapable of learning a language! And I bet that you are just jealous. Because you never had the balls to study/work abroad yourself. But that does not mean that you should be sticking your ugly nose into my life. And I easily make friends wherever I go, unlike some people. Plus, if there are creepy crawlies, I might take them back home with me if I choose to visit for Christmas, as I’m sure that they would provide better company than you do!”
I feel that it can be quite common for overbearing parents to try and stop you from doing the bigger things that you really want to do. And often it might well be that the reason why is for their sake, rather than yours. However, sometimes it might be important to acknowledge their concern, and explain/show them that you are able to do what it is that you would like to do. It is also important to explain to them why you would like to do whatever it is. Although saying that, you might find that they are only half listening, or that they do not understand. But at least then, you will be showing to them that this is something that you would really like to do. My other advice would be to tell others about your hopes/plans, because if you know that your parent will try to put you off doing something that you know you would really like to do, then you need as much motivation as possible to keep you on track.
“I’m upset/ill/going through a lot…. I just wish that you would appreciate me more.”
First things first, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARENT’S MISFORTUNES! However, I am aware that this is a hard one, which is why I have left the angsty thing blank. Just don’t let that prevent you from getting on with your life. Going off my gut feelings here, I think that it is important to acknowledge your parent’s feelings with regards to what they are going through, but leave yourself out of it. Then, explain to them that you care, because despite everything, you probably do. However, it really is not your job to take care of them, and you can only say and do so much. Concerning these situations, it is also important to talk to others about what’s occurring. Just because from experience, this is incredibly stressful and emotionally draining, and as much as I know that it is not my responsibility to baby my parent, bring right in front of them makes things particularly hard.
Actual advice.
The following part of this post will give some more general pointers concerning how you deal with an overbearing parent more generally
- Spend as much time away as possible
This especially goes for when you are staying with them, because that, my friend, is draining as hell! But even if they are very insistent on you spending time with them, resist that urge as much as you can. In my experience, one very easy way of getting away would be by getting a job. That is one thing that my parent cannot argue with, although I understand that different parents are different. However, getting a job is also good because it enables you to establish your independence. Another easy way to get away would be by visiting friends, whether they live locally or whether they are further away. Other options, volunteer somewhere, join some group or even start going to the gym. I’ve been quite lucky with this, however if things are harder, simply explain to them that this is what you are going to do and explain to them how this will benefit you. I mean, you probably shouldn’t have to explain, but it does make it harder for the parent to try and ‘fight back.’
- Assert and Establish your independence
You know this already, and I expect that they know this already, but show to them that you can manage and function well without your parent. Get a job (again), clean up after yourself and cook dinner. Yes, it might be a pain, but then at least then it makes it harder for your parent to claim that you are irresponsible and still require supervision…
- Have a way to release your feelings eg
I find talking to people who I can trust about this kind of stuff extremely helpful. There are of course lots of other mechanisms that can help. These can include, but are not limited to writing down your feelings, exercise, and art. Nonetheless, I also understand that at times when you feel your worst, even the thought of writing your feelings down or creating a pretty picture can be draining. This way, sometimes it can be good to try and keep on top of it as much as you can, by practicing ‘healthy coping mechanisms’ before things get out of hand. Again, I know and understand that it can take a lot of time to be able to recognise when things might be starting to get bad. For me, I know that since getting back, I have been struggling with binge eating a little, and I had previously quit vaping for well over a month, but a couple of days ago, I went and brought myself another vape. Perhaps there will be posts about this at another point…
- Tell them CASUALLY what you are going to do, and when
I have been tempted to tell my parent when we are in a huff with each other, that I plan to do this then, and that then and so on. The opposite is also the case, when I have considered asking if it is okay with them if I go to a certain place. Instead, neither work because it shifts the focus on themselves, rather than on you. When actually, your life is yours. Let them know un-defensively and without hesitation! Saying that, there have been times when I have been inclined to tell a little fib. Occasionally (providing it is not about something serious), I feel it is probably ok, but try not to get carried away. For a start, you are kind of lowering yourself to their level. They MIGHT find out (you never know). Plus, you don’t really want to have to think up little stories every day…
- Try and have some things to focus on
Basically, try and keep busy because this can seriously help. I will mention getting a job once again, nonetheless, I also know that I am lucky to be living in a large area, and even then, my hours keep on getting cut (which is seriously annoying, because retail therapy is a great coping mechanism for me). There are however other ways of getting money, such as online, even though it is probably going to be hard to begin with. But if you are good at something like painting, graphic design or if you are half okay at writing, now is the time to give it a go! There is nothing to lose, and you might even earn a little money! And even if you don’t, you will probably end up feeling productive. I do however want to stress that you should try not to put pressure on yourself, and that for some of us, having stuff to do whilst going through something difficult can only make us feel more overwhelmed. I think it depends on the person, but whoever you are, allow some time for self-care as well. I guess that personally, I would feel like crap if I woke up after lunchtime each day, and if I wasn’t really doing much.
- Have stuff to look forward to
This is especially important, otherwise the days/weeks/months are going to drag. Instead, it is going to feel quite a bit easier if you know that you will be meeting a friend/friends in a few days, or if you are going away for a few days in a couple of weeks. Even though you might still be spending most of your time with then, it still breaks that long amount of time up. Plus, you are going to feel a lot better having been doing other things.
- Do stuff that you enjoy
I know that I mentioned that it is important to ‘have stuff to focus on’, but it is equally important that you spend some time, preferably some time each day, doing stuff for yourself. This can be as simple as meeting friends or watching something on Netflix. However, for how long have you been telling yourself that you are going to try painting, or that you are finally going to pick up that musical instrument that you haven’t played in years? Whatever it is, it is important to devote some time to doing things that you enjoy.
Personally Political 